onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
