hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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