I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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