My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
