I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I smell stomach acid.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
