the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
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So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
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Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
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