I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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