Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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