i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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