I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
