Cold hands, warm shart.
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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