the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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