you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize