what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
