I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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