He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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