why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
