When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Randomize
