I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
