I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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