I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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