I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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