my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.