doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday