Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
