i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
