Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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