you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
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