Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
