I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
