nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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