Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
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Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
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True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
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