i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
