i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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