I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
