Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
