Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Randomize
