Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
