onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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