I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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