if you like me you must not know who I am
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
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I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
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Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again