when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.