Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
