I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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