New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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