I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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