That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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