did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
