Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
