That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
