i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
