a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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