my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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