So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
