i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
