I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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