We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
