If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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