Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
