just tell him i said nine months
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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