it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
im calling her cock vulture from now on
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
