So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
